Why Humanity Should Have Lost The War
by xlolx9
Summary: The UNSC, a bit of a let-down. They are 500 years in our future, and the only good things they've designed is the Spartans, Sergeant Johnson the badass, and a new type of hair spray. Let vrbtny explain in a very Non-cannon way, why the UNSC sucks at life.


So..... I know you've all read Lord Mandy's Why the Covenant Lost the War. And then there was Ranger24's Why Humanity won the war.... then there was Charlie's one.

But, I have decided to move onto pastures new. I liked Lord Mandy's story, Ranger24's was so-so. Charlies one is showing promise. But for me. I feel like going against Cannon, and having my own bit of fun.

This is my version of why the UNSC sucks. I'm busy, so this'll be a one off for the mo..... Unless I get some really positive reviews.... which I won't

**THE MA5B - The Automatic Peeshoter **

You remember the first time you picked up the Assault Rifle. It was when you were busy storming through the Obelisk of Seasons (Or Penis of Autumn) Gunning down grunts with **THE HALO 1 PISTOL!!!!** Then you stumbled across the Assault Rifle and you think. HOLY SHIT!!! If the pistol was frickin awesome, imagine the **POWER**(Que Jeremy Clarkson quote) of this.

So, you charge at the nearest grunt and fire on full auto......After the entire magazine is empty, and the grunt has taken as much damage as American soil During World War II. You wonder if maybe the rifle doesn't live up to the pistols promise.

The you approach a Elite, reloading the rifle. "Ok" You think, "Maybe this things better against these ones". So you fire, and the things shields only flicker like Bill Clinton's eyes when he sees Paris Hilton. "Oh Shit" You deadpan, as the Elite kills you and T-Bags your corpse.

You may wonder who on Earth (Or any of its colonies) would design such a god awful weapon. Some could say god just got lazy(Old Harry's Game ;D). But that is not factually correct. I will now transport you to the exact, time, date and place. Of when the 'Mastermind' at the Misriah armouries designed the Weapon.

**Time: Some Generic Time. **

**Date: Some Generic Time.(Date) **

**Place: Some Generic Place: The basement of Misriah Armouries. **

"Hey Bob, The UNSC says we need to develop a super new Assualt Rifle. Which the official specs are.... Looks badass and is bullpup, cos it sounds cool and futuristic" Un-named assistant #1 calls to the really fat and lazy weapons designer.

"Yeah Whatever, I'll do it in the morning" Bob replied, as he was busy watching Zero Punctuation reviewing Final Fantasy CXXII.

"The UNSC says they want that weapons ASAP. Cos they got some insurrection or some shit" Un-Named assistant #1 said. Bob grumbled, paused the video and squeezed out of his chair. He groaned as he stood up, and wobbled towards the filing cabinets which held all the old blueprints for old weapons.

He rifles through the blueprints for about ten seconds, before pulling a page out of the 1990-2000 weapon range. It was Labelled FN F2000.

"Let's see. Bullpup, check. Badass..." Bob grabbed a Eraser and a spare pencil. 30-seconds later, a slightly altered (Modded) F2000 (Badass level +5) blueprint replaced the old one. "Ok, now to think of a name" Bob thought out-loud, before turning to the filing cabinet labelled. "Marathon"

"AHA. MA5....B, so that it give us room in case there's a prequel" Bob thought, as he re-labelled the blueprint. MA5B - Assault Rifle .

"Oh, and to give it a futuristic ammo" Bob noted, quickly changing the calibre of the weapon.

*

The problem with the highly technical design of the MA5B is that it is hideously underpowered. Having as much firepower as George Bush has IQ, and the firing rate of swearing in the average South Park Episode. So, as the UNSC marines have now been equipped with these weapons which were designed over 500 years ago. They merrily march of into battle, armed with only a pistol and a automatic peeshooter.

Of course the high command doesn't care about the armaments of their cannon fodder *Cough* Marines. As long as the marines get in the way of the plasma which is aiming for the Spartans. They are fulfilling their purpose.

*A Prime Example*

A Squad of Marines crawled through the lush undergrowth, all equipped with F2000 *AHEM* MA5B's. The lead marine, a grisly, amazingly generic sergeant. Hand-signalled for two of his privates to advance. (LOL)

Slowly the two young marines crawled forward, they were stalking a pair of blue Armoured Elites. Generic Private #1 aimed his rifle at one of the Aliens, while Generic Private#2 at the other aliens.

Suddenly a wartog LRV roared into the clearing, throwing mud all other the place. The massive jeep rolled to a halt and three Spartans hopped out. one of them with a smile face spray painted onto his visor. The Three generic supersoldiers didn't seem to notice the Aliens, or the two generic privates. The aliens silently readied their weapons, ready to pounce of the armoured supersoliers.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO, don't kill Chuck Norris" one of the Privates yelled, jumping out of cover and firing his MA5B on full auto into the Elite.

Bullets from the MA5B visibly slowed in the air, their effectiveness about that of any weapon in Metro 2033. The Aliens turned and quickly silenced the private, Who with his dieing breaths said. "I saved Chuck Norris... My life mission is complete"

*

There you go, a prime example of how Marines are completely sane and that their main weapons is a just a load of bullcrap. Mind, if they want a really good full-auto weapon. They could just pilfer a plasma rifle from the nearest Elite.... and T-bag their corpse while their there.

*

So, now for the technical shit.

**The MA5B Assault Rifle uses M118 7.62x51mm Armor Piercing, Full Metal Jacket rounds.**

Now, I aint a military guy. Or a American who has complete availability to nearly all forms of bullets. I do, however have access to the internet, and Wikipedia. These 7.62x51mm rounds, are the ones used in the SCAR-H Assault Rifle. And I have played Modern Warfare 2. I know it may be a gameplay element..... But the SCAR-H was the **GOD **weapons. Dealing about as much damage as a South Park episode about a famous celebrity.

So, how the Friggin Hell, can a futuristic weapon (lol) , chambered with the same rounds as **The GOD weapon, **Be so totally lame!!!!!!!!!

And what the hell's with the ammo display. These things have a electronics suite for a reason! They are designed to plug into a Marines Helmet, and show how much ammo is left.

They could have used the space to add extra damage, so that it did more than the ACR in MW2.

And why the hell doesn't this thing have a flipping Iron Sight! Or a least a badass laser sight. Ironsight aiming is the best thing in FPS', that's why I don't like half-life or Left-4-Dead.

*

So.... er yeah, that's my analysis of the MA5B.....

**8**

Was it any good?....

I'm only doing one chapter at the moment, mainly for a bit of fun and to blow of steam.


End file.
